Your Bloody Smile

You told me about your family, your boyfriend, school, and the feeling of not knowing where you belonged. You said that Berlin was your last hope of finally getting your life together. I understood that all too well. On the other hand, I shared with you that I worked as a party photographer and had always wondered how I could make so much money from such a pointless job. However, I didn’t tell you about the drugs, the excesses, or the whores who came in and out of my house. I did, however, admit that my father didn’t take me seriously, that my first girlfriend had slept with my two best friends, and that I had once even been in prison. Why? That remained my secret - at least for now.

You can stay with me tonight, and tomorrow I’ll buy you a ticket home. You looked puzzled. Why would you do that? Why would I do that? I have money. You need some. I was raised Catholic. Sharing, charity, and all that. Whatever, but don’t you dare touch me! You were like a mad cat. Fangs, claws, and that look of suspicion, fear, and self-protection. I admired your strength, driven by hurt and superiority. In your sparkling blue eyes, I saw the person I was before I lost all sense of joy. The voices of countless ghosts stirred within me as we finally kissed under the dim glow of a streetlamp. You were a blend of pain and strength. That was the most beautiful thing of all.

We had sex all night, in every corner of my apartment. In my bed, on the kitchen table, against some empty wall. The next morning, you didn’t want to leave. I let you stay with me like my pet. You were my little monkey. I introduced you to my world, step by step, which soon seemed to bring you more happiness than it ever brought me. Essentially, everything we did was just about sex - there was no love, and no dancing. When you let that ugly junkie fuck you in the toilet at Chan Shin’s opening party, while I was taking some goofy photos of wasted partygoers, I didn’t really care. Still, I hit you in the parking lot until your face was covered in blood when you told me, smiling.