Imagined Conversations
Two years have passed since Sina fled from my apartment. We haven’t exchanged a single word since. From what I gathered, she had taken to her newfound freedom in this city with ease, made important connections, and could be seen at every good party attended by high society. Lately, she had started hosting a few shows on a music channel, occasionally modeled for one or two local fashion labels, and was rumored to have flings with musicians, managers, and television personalities. Every now and then, I encountered this new version of her at various events and even photographed her now and then, arm in arm with overbred celebrities. She smiled and ignored me. Always.
A tormenting god seemed to have placed both our fates on a scale that now hung in an uneven balance for me. While Sina’s life had turned, in fast-forward, toward happiness, wealth, and recognition, mine was sinking into a sludge of self-doubt, dissatisfaction, and an ungrateful hatred toward everything and everyone. I woke in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat and heart pounding, because a dream of her had ripped me from sleep like a betrayal. Then I’d lie there, staring at the ceiling, counting cracks in the plaster or the ticking of the clock, and wondering if she ever still thought of me. Or if I had long since faded into a barely-remembered shadow in her world.
I imagined conversations that would never happen, thought of all the little things only we had understood. Old jokes, shared glances, silent agreement amidst the chaos. All of it was now part of a former life I couldn’t let go of, yet that no longer belonged to me. And while life outside carried on, hectic, loud, merciless, I sat in my darkened room, feeling the weight of the past settle over me like a wet blanket. I was trapped in a state between remembering and forgetting, between longing and resignation. Maybe I had already lost before I even knew I was fighting. Perhaps that was the price of loving someone like Sina - desperately clinging to fake hope while steadily becoming insane.